Dear Esteemed Patron,
It has come to my attention that certain lesser establishments have begun advertising "ghost-free" furniture as though that were somehow desirable. I ask you: what is an armoire without a spectre? A mere box. What is a writing desk without the faint sound of weeping? Just a table with pretensions.
Here at the Emporium, every piece of furniture has been carefully acquired from the finest cursed estates, haunted manors, and one particularly troublesome lighthouse. Our ghosts are not pests — they are features. The Duchess who inhabits our mahogany credenza has impeccable taste and will judge your dinner guests for you. The civil war colonel in the rocking chair provides excellent security. The child in the wardrobe simply wants to play, and only occasionally rearranges your shoes.
I must address the chaise longue. Yes, it is screaming again. No, we shall not be reducing the price. That is the sound of quality craftsmanship and a very dramatic Victorian poet who refuses to move on. The upholstery alone is worth forty guineas.
Your Humble Servant,
Cornelius T. Dovetail III
Master Antiquarian & Reluctant Medium
All prices in guineas. Ghosts are non-negotiable and included at no extra charge.
Ghost: The Duchess Eleanora Blackwood
Temperament: Judgmental but Polite
Activity: Rearranges silverware. Sighs disapprovingly at dinner guests.
85 Guineas
Ghost: Colonel Thaddeus "Old Thunder" Grimsby
Temperament: Territorial
Activity: Rocks violently at 3 AM. Shouts orders at housecats. Excellent deterrent against burglars.
120 Guineas
Ghost: Little Prudence (age unknown, claims to be "seven and three-quarters")
Temperament: Playful
Activity: Rearranges shoes. Giggles. Leaves small handprints on mirrors. Utterly harmless, we think.
65 Guineas
Ghost: Percival St. Claire, Romantic Poet (d. 1862)
Temperament: Extremely Dramatic
Activity: Screams. Recites poetry at midnight. Weeps openly. Will not stop. Has been doing this for 164 years.
40 Guineas (reduced — you know why)
Ghost: A Parliament of Seven Unnamed Entities
Temperament: Bureaucratic
Activity: Chimes at incorrect hours. The seven ghosts vote on what time to display. Currently showing 1847 permanently.
200 Guineas
Ghost: Ms. Abigail Wren, Former Governess
Temperament: Helpful
Activity: Corrects your spelling. Organizes your correspondence. Leaves passive-aggressive notes about penmanship. Actually quite useful.
95 Guineas
Before purchasing, please consult this guide to ensure your new spectral resident will harmonize with existing household apparitions.
| Your Ghost Type | Compatible With | Avoid Pairing With | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Victorian Aristocrat | Governess, Butler, Poet | Revolutionary, Pirate | Class disputes may cause poltergeist activity |
| Military Officer | Military Officer, Hound | Pacifist, Child (under 10) | Will attempt to establish chain of command |
| Romantic Poet | Lonely Widow, Another Poet | Literary Critic, Pragmatist | Expect increased weeping and door-slamming |
| Child Ghost | Governess, Friendly Animal | Curmudgeon, Anything from a Lighthouse | May form alliance against living residents |
| Parliament (Group) | Nothing. They are self-sufficient. | Any singular ghost | Parliaments are territorial. Do not introduce outsiders. |
| Former Governess | Everyone | No known conflicts | Will organize all other ghosts. This is a feature. |
⚠ The Emporium accepts no liability for spectral turf disputes, ectoplasmic messes, or hauntings that exceed the agreed-upon square footage.
All spectral entities are permanently bonded to their respective furnishings. Attempting to separate ghost from furniture will result in: increased haunting activity, property damage, existential dread, and voiding of warranty. No exceptions.
For purposes of this warranty, "haunted" is defined as: furniture containing one (1) or more spectral entities that manifest through any combination of sounds, movements, temperature changes, ectoplasmic discharge, unsolicited advice, or feelings of being watched. The presence of a ghost is a feature, not a defect.
Should your furniture arrive without a ghost, you are entitled to a full refund. This has never happened. We are confident in our supply chain.
Any attempt to exorcise, banish, or otherwise evict a ghost from Emporium furniture will void all warranties and may result in legal action from both the Emporium and the ghost's estate. Several of our ghosts have retained solicitors.
"The Duchess in our credenza has improved our dinner parties immeasurably. She frightened away my mother-in-law on the first visit. Worth every guinea."
— Lord Reginald Pimsbury, Kensington
"Colonel Grimsby's rocking chair has reduced burglaries on our street by 100%. The screaming and cannon sounds at 3 AM are a small price to pay for security."
— Mrs. Henrietta Cobblestone, Bath
"I purchased the writing desk and Ms. Wren has corrected three years of my correspondence. My business letters are now flawless. She did, however, throw my novel manuscript into the fireplace. She says I'll thank her later."
— Mr. Arthur Pennyworth, Author (formerly)
"Bought the screaming chaise longue for my husband. He has been sleeping in the garden shed ever since. Precisely as intended. Five stars."
— Lady Constance Forthright, Surrey
"Little Prudence has become my daughter's best friend. They have tea parties every night at midnight. My daughter is 47 years old and a barrister. I have concerns."
— Sir Edmund Halftree, Cambridge
The following cursed estates are being liquidated. Attendance by appointment only. Bring your own salt circles.
Items: 47 pieces including a pipe organ that plays itself and a dining table that seats 13 (always 13, even if you remove chairs)
Ghost Count: Estimated 23, possibly more in the wine cellar
Warning: Do not enter the east wing. We are still negotiating with whatever is in there.
Items: 12 pieces, mostly nautical. One extremely haunted foghorn.
Ghost Count: 1, but it's a big one
Warning: The lighthouse ghost does not recognize that the lighthouse has been decommissioned. Bring waterproofs.
Items: 89 pieces of exquisite taste. Every single one haunted by Lady Ashworth herself. She was very attached to her things.
Ghost Count: 1 ghost, 89 pieces. She multitasks.
Warning: Lady Ashworth will interview prospective buyers. Dress appropriately.